The Annual Friendship Performance Review

Write your friend a performance review. Not for their job — for their performance as your friend, over the last twelve months. You are the reviewer. The review period is the year you just spent together.

Use the whole apparatus: a competency framework, a five-point scale, dated evidence, a signature line. Rate Responsiveness (Texts) at Meets Expectations and Responsiveness (Plans) at Needs Improvement. Split Listening into Active and Waiting to Speak, and score them honestly. Note the birthday: Meets Expectations, late card noted. Every rating carries one line of evidence, and the evidence is accurate — that's what makes it a review and not an accusation.

Close with development areas ("initiating plans rather than approving them"), a goal for next cycle ("one unprompted phone call per quarter"), and the acknowledgment line the document prints across the bottom:

Signature indicates receipt of this review, not agreement with its contents.

Overall rating: Valued Contributor. That part is sincere. They are valued — you've now got it in writing, on file, calibrated. They'll read the whole thing twice before they say a word, and the next review cycle has already started.

If a paper review feels too temporary, turn the evidence into a standing artifact: the friendship can have a dashboard under their mouse or an agenda under their keyboard. Use only facts they already tell in public, and let the ratings stay on the page rather than turning private history into decoration.